Furparenthood can be challenging. You work on manners and good behavior. You reinforce. You spend a small fortune on treats and toys (which you know will be destroyed in minutes). You adjust routines and plans and coordinate a fleet of people who can serve as willing back-ups when things get crazy. You read and you listen and you attend training classes and vet appointments. You go to play groups. You make play dates. You think you’re prepared.
And then one evening over a very grown-up dinner of a brie wedge and leftover birthday cake, you hear yourself utter the following words:
“Stop licking your brother’s butt.”
And it’s all over. In those five little words, you have humbled away years of acquired dignity in rescue-dog companionship.
You’re an educated person. You like to learn from your mis-steps. Perhaps you and your spouse can use this as an opportunity to reflect on some of the more outlandish things that have escaped your lips. And so, we proudly bring you,
Stuff we say to our pups, or where have we gone wrong?
- Stop humping your sister’s head.
- Don’t eat his ear.
- That’s not your food. I’m not even sure what that is.
- Thank you for burping in my face. Twice.
- The cat is not a chew toy.
- Why are you green?
- Stay. Please, sit still for 15 seconds.
- Your impression of a Dinosaur screaming is charming.
- I cannot feed you faster if you step on my feet.
- Is that snot on your face, or were you licking your nose?
- How in the world is that comfortable?
- Why does your breath smell like poop?
- Why do you smell like skunk?
- Drop it. Dropitdropitdropit.
- Don’t step on Dad’s squishy bits.
- Don’t kick Mommy’s boob.
- Armpits are not gourmet treats.
- Must you race me up the stairs?
- Must you race me down the stairs?
- You’re barking at your own reflection.
- You wouldn’t like it if I sneezed in your open mouth.
- May I have some room on the couch, please?
Have you caught yourself saying anything “strange” to your furbabies?